Attractions: Respecting the Therapist-Client Relationship
Heart of Bodywork
By Nina McIntosh
Illustrations by Mari Gayatri Stein
Originally published in Massage & Bodywork magazine, December/January 2003.
Copyright 2003. Associated Bodywork and Massage Professionals. All rights reserved.
Q: You're at a party talking with someone you've just met, someone to whom you feel attracted. The person learns you're a massage therapist and wants to make an appointment. Should you make that appointment?
Q: You've been working with a client for several months and you realize you are starting to feel sexually attracted to him or her. Should you continue working with that client?
We know that an absolute rule of massage therapy is not to date our clients or have sexual relations with them, but what about sexual attractions? It depends, for one thing, on how attracted you are and what this attraction means to you. You'd want to decide which of these applies:
- It's just a passing thought.
- You're often aware of being sexually attracted to this other person with no intention of acting on it.
- You're in a solid relationship or you have no interest in dating this person.
- You know you're capable of finding a client attractive without it interfering with your work. Or: - You don't think you can work with the person without having sexual feelings.
- You rarely feel drawn to someone and when you are, it feels special.
- You're feeling emotionally off-kilter or needy and might be tempted to act on an attraction.
- You're in a rocky relationship, or single and looking.
- You're interested in getting to know the person and might want to date him or her.
- You think he or she might be attracted to you also.
If you answer yes to most of the first statements above, you're probably safe taking or keeping that person as a client. (At a party, it's still best to give yourself some time to think about it, give him your business card and have him call you later.) If you answer yes to any of the second set, you're probably headed toward dangerous territory. Stay on solid ground by either not making an initial appointment, or if the person is already a client, referring him to someone else.
Your primary goals are keeping your personal needs and feelings from intruding into your work, not taking advantage of the goodwill and deference that clients give to you once you become their massage therapist, and keeping your professional reputation clean. Let's take the most problematic party scenario: You're both single and available, and there's the possibility this might turn into a romantic relationship. It's not fair to the client, or ethical, to use a session to check out clients as potential boyfriends or girlfriends. Clients should be free to let their guards down and relax. They should be able to float off into their own world without wondering what's going on with their practitioner. And when we have romantic/sexual feelings about a client, those feelings have a way of intruding into the session, regardless.
If you think the person might also be interested in you, all the more reason not to make that appointment or keep the client. At best, it could give a confusing message, and at worst, could be taken to mean that you mix business with personal pleasure. Nothing damages a professional reputation more than being known as someone who sexualizes his or her work. In both situations, what you want to avoid is the ethical tangle of trying to convert a client relationship into a romantic one. You have to be aware that once someone becomes a client, you may never be able to have a normal social relationship with him again.
That's one of the difficult parts of being a professional. The work we do is uniquely intimate, and it changes the way people feel about us, whether we want it to or not. We're touching them with attentiveness and caring, they're vulnerable, usually naked, perhaps in pain and often depending on us to help them. The situation itself stirs up unconscious feelings. In our clients' eyes, we can become a little larger than life -- the compassionate caregiver or the heroic reliever of pain. We are there for them in a very appealing way and that evokes feelings that are stronger than they would be if, for instance, we were a casual acquaintance or even a friend.
Clients and even former clients may never be able to see their practitioner as a regular person. They may (again, whether we want them to or not) put us on a pedestal, defer to us or think we're perfect. We're obligated not to take advantage of those special feelings by asking clients to take a more personal role in our lives. We wouldn't want to ask them to help us paint our kitchen or listen to our troubles, much less become our lovers. They may want our approval and have a hard time saying no to us.
Consider this indication that clients have difficulty asserting themselves: The most common complaint from the public is we talk too much about ourselves during a session. Probably most of us have been guilty of yammering on while we work. But how many clients have ever told us, politely or otherwise, they want us to be quiet? I'm assuming very few.
Both practitioner and client can develop strong feelings for each other that have more to do with the dynamics of the professional relationship than with our everyday personalities. Most professional associations require members not to date an ex-client for at least six months to give those feelings time to dissipate. However, some clients may never be able to have an equal relationship with you. You're better off choosing from the beginning whether you want a person to be part of your professional life or part of your social life.
What if you've thought about the considerations already mentioned and you're still stumped? You still don't know whether to take someone on as a new client or quit working with a current client because of your feelings. In that case, you'd be wise to seek help. It's not a situation to be taken lightly, there are too many possible negatives for the client, for you personally and even for the reputation of the profession.
Talking it out with another professional and figuring out the best way to proceed can save you a world of problems down the road. Find someone who is trained in psychological dynamics, bound by confidentiality and willing to work as a consultant. For instance, you can check with a respected psychotherapist, counselor or bodyworker with psychological training to see if he or she would be interested in advising you on the issue. (You'd be consulting them about your professional issues, not your personal ones -- although you may decide to explore related personal issues also.) If you decide you have to stop seeing a client, such a consultant can help you determine the most graceful way to do that.
We shouldn't be casual in choosing our future clients or choosing to keep our present clients. We want to separate our romantic lives from our work lives and that takes careful thought and restraint. We're part of a profession that, unfortunately, raises eyebrows simply because of the intimacy of the setting. We want to guard our public and personal images, and we want to protect the vulnerability of our clients.
Nina McIntosh has 20 years experience as a bodyworker and is a Rosen Method Bodywork intern. For more information on her book, The Educated Heart: Professional Guidelines for Massage Therapists, Bodyworkers and Movement Teachers, call toll-free 877/327-0600 or visit www.educatedheart.com.
Originally published in Massage & Bodywork magazine, December/January 2003.
Copyright 2003. Associated Bodywork and Massage Professionals. All rights reserved.
Q: You're at a party talking with someone you've just met, someone to whom you feel attracted. The person learns you're a massage therapist and wants to make an appointment. Should you make that appointment?
Q: You've been working with a client for several months and you realize you are starting to feel sexually attracted to him or her. Should you continue working with that client?
We know that an absolute rule of massage therapy is not to date our clients or have sexual relations with them, but what about sexual attractions? It depends, for one thing, on how attracted you are and what this attraction means to you. You'd want to decide which of these applies:
- It's just a passing thought.
- You're often aware of being sexually attracted to this other person with no intention of acting on it.
- You're in a solid relationship or you have no interest in dating this person.
- You know you're capable of finding a client attractive without it interfering with your work. Or: - You don't think you can work with the person without having sexual feelings.
- You rarely feel drawn to someone and when you are, it feels special.
- You're feeling emotionally off-kilter or needy and might be tempted to act on an attraction.
- You're in a rocky relationship, or single and looking.
- You're interested in getting to know the person and might want to date him or her.
- You think he or she might be attracted to you also.
 |
If you answer yes to most of the first statements above, you're probably safe taking or keeping that person as a client. (At a party, it's still best to give yourself some time to think about it, give him your business card and have him call you later.) If you answer yes to any of the second set, you're probably headed toward dangerous territory. Stay on solid ground by either not making an initial appointment, or if the person is already a client, referring him to someone else.
Your primary goals are keeping your personal needs and feelings from intruding into your work, not taking advantage of the goodwill and deference that clients give to you once you become their massage therapist, and keeping your professional reputation clean. Let's take the most problematic party scenario: You're both single and available, and there's the possibility this might turn into a romantic relationship. It's not fair to the client, or ethical, to use a session to check out clients as potential boyfriends or girlfriends. Clients should be free to let their guards down and relax. They should be able to float off into their own world without wondering what's going on with their practitioner. And when we have romantic/sexual feelings about a client, those feelings have a way of intruding into the session, regardless.
If you think the person might also be interested in you, all the more reason not to make that appointment or keep the client. At best, it could give a confusing message, and at worst, could be taken to mean that you mix business with personal pleasure. Nothing damages a professional reputation more than being known as someone who sexualizes his or her work. In both situations, what you want to avoid is the ethical tangle of trying to convert a client relationship into a romantic one. You have to be aware that once someone becomes a client, you may never be able to have a normal social relationship with him again.
That's one of the difficult parts of being a professional. The work we do is uniquely intimate, and it changes the way people feel about us, whether we want it to or not. We're touching them with attentiveness and caring, they're vulnerable, usually naked, perhaps in pain and often depending on us to help them. The situation itself stirs up unconscious feelings. In our clients' eyes, we can become a little larger than life -- the compassionate caregiver or the heroic reliever of pain. We are there for them in a very appealing way and that evokes feelings that are stronger than they would be if, for instance, we were a casual acquaintance or even a friend.
Clients and even former clients may never be able to see their practitioner as a regular person. They may (again, whether we want them to or not) put us on a pedestal, defer to us or think we're perfect. We're obligated not to take advantage of those special feelings by asking clients to take a more personal role in our lives. We wouldn't want to ask them to help us paint our kitchen or listen to our troubles, much less become our lovers. They may want our approval and have a hard time saying no to us.
Consider this indication that clients have difficulty asserting themselves: The most common complaint from the public is we talk too much about ourselves during a session. Probably most of us have been guilty of yammering on while we work. But how many clients have ever told us, politely or otherwise, they want us to be quiet? I'm assuming very few.
Both practitioner and client can develop strong feelings for each other that have more to do with the dynamics of the professional relationship than with our everyday personalities. Most professional associations require members not to date an ex-client for at least six months to give those feelings time to dissipate. However, some clients may never be able to have an equal relationship with you. You're better off choosing from the beginning whether you want a person to be part of your professional life or part of your social life.
What if you've thought about the considerations already mentioned and you're still stumped? You still don't know whether to take someone on as a new client or quit working with a current client because of your feelings. In that case, you'd be wise to seek help. It's not a situation to be taken lightly, there are too many possible negatives for the client, for you personally and even for the reputation of the profession.
Talking it out with another professional and figuring out the best way to proceed can save you a world of problems down the road. Find someone who is trained in psychological dynamics, bound by confidentiality and willing to work as a consultant. For instance, you can check with a respected psychotherapist, counselor or bodyworker with psychological training to see if he or she would be interested in advising you on the issue. (You'd be consulting them about your professional issues, not your personal ones -- although you may decide to explore related personal issues also.) If you decide you have to stop seeing a client, such a consultant can help you determine the most graceful way to do that.
We shouldn't be casual in choosing our future clients or choosing to keep our present clients. We want to separate our romantic lives from our work lives and that takes careful thought and restraint. We're part of a profession that, unfortunately, raises eyebrows simply because of the intimacy of the setting. We want to guard our public and personal images, and we want to protect the vulnerability of our clients.
Nina McIntosh has 20 years experience as a bodyworker and is a Rosen Method Bodywork intern. For more information on her book, The Educated Heart: Professional Guidelines for Massage Therapists, Bodyworkers and Movement Teachers, call toll-free 877/327-0600 or visit www.educatedheart.com.
