Friends and Family: Establishing Professional Boundaries
Heart of Bodywork
By Nina McIntosh
Illustrations by Mari Gayatri Stein
Originally published in Massage & Bodywork magazine, April/May 2002.
Copyright 2003. Associated Bodywork and Massage Professionals. All rights reserved.
It's natural for us to want to work with friends and family -- who better to share our gifts with than the people we love? We already care about them, they already trust us. When we're students, they're eager and convenient volunteers. When we're starting a practice, they're a ready-made clientele. What's the problem? The problem is the dynamics: they're far more complicated than they seem. To go from Sister Susie to Susie the Expert Massage Therapist or from Buddy Bob to Bob the Client requires a major shift in the relationship. Each side is asked to take on a different role and it's rarely a smooth transition. Sometimes it works, but more often than not, it's confusing and messy, and that leads to misunderstandings. Here are some examples of how the confusion can get played out:
Sometimes relatives and friends think what they're receiving is just a friendly back rub. They don't always appreciate the amount of time, energy and money we've put into learning a skill that is now intended to support us. They don't always want to give us our professional due -- to pay our regular fees or respect our time. They may show up late, not call to cancel or, especially if we work at home, want to hang around after a session. Because they've seen the less-than perfect side of us, they may not value our work as much as they would if it came from someone they've known only as a professional. When we have trouble working with friends and family, we can't take it personally or blame them. We're asking them to see us in a whole new light -- to forget the times they've seen us act goofy, self-centered or inept, and now see us as competent and caring. It may be too much to ask.
If we relax our professional standards with friends and family, we shortchange them. Because of the potential confusion about roles, we should be extra careful about our standards, not more casual. However, with friends and family, we're used to equal give-and-take. It's hard to remember they deserve our undivided attention as much as
regular clients.
As professionals, we want to be objective and to let go of personal agendas. How objective can we be with people who are part of our day-to-day lives?
Clients can put us on a pedestal and see us as the all-giving nurturer or rescuer. This is a problem when a client/friend begins to relate to us in other situations as if we're still in that professional role - like the nurse in this example who began to relate to her colleague as if she were an unconditionally- accepting counselor rather than a peer.
Setting Standards
Our professional lives would be less complicated if we didn't work with people we know, it takes extra energy to keep the roles clear and prevent misunderstandings. Sometimes, however, we can't avoid a role shuffle. There are times when friends don't want to work with a stranger, for instance. Or we're the only one in town who practices our brand of bodywork. Or we live in a small community where everyone knows everyone else. Also, when we're students, it's convenient to practice on people who are already in our lives. There are ways to make it easier and less problematic to work with friends and family. Treat them the same as regular clients and let them know, ideally from the first appointment, that you're sticking to your usual standards.
Time - It's easier to set limits when the initial appointment is made -- not after resentment has built because your brother showed up 20 minutes late or your friend stayed for two hours after the massage. "I'll have an hour available from 2 p.m. to 3 p.m., and then I have some business I have to take care of." Let them know they'll benefit from the session more if it's conducted like your usual sessions -- you'll start and end on time, for instance. If you're a student, you can tell them you need to practice your professional boundaries.
Setting - Avoid working with friends and acquaintances in a social setting. Giving out free shoulder rubs at a party encourages people to think massage is your hobby and not your profession. When someone asks you for advice or a free sample at a party, you can say you'd love to talk with him or work with him but you'd rather do it when you can give him your full attention. Ask him to call or make an appointment during regular business hours. This is when business cards come in handy.
Socializing - When working with friends, there's less role confusion if you separate social and professional time. Don't go to lunch together right before or after the session, for instance. Let your friends and family know they can talk during the session if they want, but you won't chitchat back and forth with them -- you'll be focusing on giving them a great massage.
Confidentiality - Confidentiality is just as important with people you know as with a stranger -- perhaps more so. However, it's easy to cross the boundaries. Your friend Larry inquires about your mutual friend Heather, "How did she like her session?" Innocent as it seems, if you tell him anything - even that Heather seemed to enjoy it -- you have violated her confidentiality. For any client, everything that goes on in a session has to be private. We value the healing benefits of our work, and it's natural for us to want to share our skills with friends and family. If we're aware of the complexity and willing to communicate clearly, it can be the happy experience we want it to be.
Nina McIntosh has 20 years experience as a bodyworker and is a Rosen Method Bodywork intern. For more information on her book, The Educated Heart: Professional Guidelines for Massage Therapists, Bodyworkers and Movement Teachers, call toll-free 877/327-0600 or visit www.educatedheart.com.
Originally published in Massage & Bodywork magazine, April/May 2002.
Copyright 2003. Associated Bodywork and Massage Professionals. All rights reserved.
It's natural for us to want to work with friends and family -- who better to share our gifts with than the people we love? We already care about them, they already trust us. When we're students, they're eager and convenient volunteers. When we're starting a practice, they're a ready-made clientele. What's the problem? The problem is the dynamics: they're far more complicated than they seem. To go from Sister Susie to Susie the Expert Massage Therapist or from Buddy Bob to Bob the Client requires a major shift in the relationship. Each side is asked to take on a different role and it's rarely a smooth transition. Sometimes it works, but more often than not, it's confusing and messy, and that leads to misunderstandings. Here are some examples of how the confusion can get played out:
Sometimes relatives and friends think what they're receiving is just a friendly back rub. They don't always appreciate the amount of time, energy and money we've put into learning a skill that is now intended to support us. They don't always want to give us our professional due -- to pay our regular fees or respect our time. They may show up late, not call to cancel or, especially if we work at home, want to hang around after a session. Because they've seen the less-than perfect side of us, they may not value our work as much as they would if it came from someone they've known only as a professional. When we have trouble working with friends and family, we can't take it personally or blame them. We're asking them to see us in a whole new light -- to forget the times they've seen us act goofy, self-centered or inept, and now see us as competent and caring. It may be too much to ask.
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regular clients.
As professionals, we want to be objective and to let go of personal agendas. How objective can we be with people who are part of our day-to-day lives?
Clients can put us on a pedestal and see us as the all-giving nurturer or rescuer. This is a problem when a client/friend begins to relate to us in other situations as if we're still in that professional role - like the nurse in this example who began to relate to her colleague as if she were an unconditionally- accepting counselor rather than a peer.
Setting Standards
Our professional lives would be less complicated if we didn't work with people we know, it takes extra energy to keep the roles clear and prevent misunderstandings. Sometimes, however, we can't avoid a role shuffle. There are times when friends don't want to work with a stranger, for instance. Or we're the only one in town who practices our brand of bodywork. Or we live in a small community where everyone knows everyone else. Also, when we're students, it's convenient to practice on people who are already in our lives. There are ways to make it easier and less problematic to work with friends and family. Treat them the same as regular clients and let them know, ideally from the first appointment, that you're sticking to your usual standards.
Time - It's easier to set limits when the initial appointment is made -- not after resentment has built because your brother showed up 20 minutes late or your friend stayed for two hours after the massage. "I'll have an hour available from 2 p.m. to 3 p.m., and then I have some business I have to take care of." Let them know they'll benefit from the session more if it's conducted like your usual sessions -- you'll start and end on time, for instance. If you're a student, you can tell them you need to practice your professional boundaries.
Setting - Avoid working with friends and acquaintances in a social setting. Giving out free shoulder rubs at a party encourages people to think massage is your hobby and not your profession. When someone asks you for advice or a free sample at a party, you can say you'd love to talk with him or work with him but you'd rather do it when you can give him your full attention. Ask him to call or make an appointment during regular business hours. This is when business cards come in handy.
Socializing - When working with friends, there's less role confusion if you separate social and professional time. Don't go to lunch together right before or after the session, for instance. Let your friends and family know they can talk during the session if they want, but you won't chitchat back and forth with them -- you'll be focusing on giving them a great massage.
Confidentiality - Confidentiality is just as important with people you know as with a stranger -- perhaps more so. However, it's easy to cross the boundaries. Your friend Larry inquires about your mutual friend Heather, "How did she like her session?" Innocent as it seems, if you tell him anything - even that Heather seemed to enjoy it -- you have violated her confidentiality. For any client, everything that goes on in a session has to be private. We value the healing benefits of our work, and it's natural for us to want to share our skills with friends and family. If we're aware of the complexity and willing to communicate clearly, it can be the happy experience we want it to be.
Nina McIntosh has 20 years experience as a bodyworker and is a Rosen Method Bodywork intern. For more information on her book, The Educated Heart: Professional Guidelines for Massage Therapists, Bodyworkers and Movement Teachers, call toll-free 877/327-0600 or visit www.educatedheart.com.
